“It may be said that the books already published on the subject of ‘manners’ and ‘etiquette’ are sufficiently numerous for the wants of the community; but to this remark we would reply, that although the broad principles of manners remain the same, yet, the minutiae are continually altering and varying, and modes of speech and action which were considered the height of politeness a few years ago would be pronounced, at any rate very old-fashioned if used and exhibited in the present day.” - A passage from Etiquette of Good Society by Lady Gertrude Elizabeth Campell written in 1893.

As someone who believes that they were born in the wrong era, it’s hard to believe that these words date back almost 120 years. Am I the only one to think that people back then were so much more civilised?

In some strange way, it’s almost a relief to read Lady Campbell’s thoughts as they still very much apply today.

It’s not that manners or etiquette have changed, it’s more that we constantly evolve (and, yes, many people may pay less attention!). It’s obviously something enough people want to read, speak and rant about: tap ‘etiquette’ into the little Google search machine, and - pop - over 32 million results show up.

The idea behind MIEN Magazine is not to rant and rave about the decline of etiquette (although there is some of that too, naturally!). MIEN Magazine’s goal is to explore and embrace old traditions - see if we can’t bring them back and take away the stigma that’s often associated even with just saying the word etiquette.

Why?

Because writing and receiving a letter is lovely.

Because holding a door is the kind thing to do (for a man or woman).

Because debating if chivalry is dead is insightful and fun.

Because speaking on one’s mobile or sending a text in another person’s company is - er - rude.

Because a dinner party is cosy and a treat.

And because the list goes on…

What’s reassuring is that there are so many nostalgics and romantics out there; gentlemen and gentlewoman who long for a more civilised way of living.

So, let’s welcome evolving traditions, let’s rant about rudeness, share opinions about transgressions, and embrace a penchant for the nostalgic.

Please and thank you.

In our first instalment of airplane etiquette, we discussed the importance of proper decorum at the airport, boarding a plane and taking a seat.

Here is the genteel continuation of key social graces for airplane travel:

Eating Onboard
We are all acutely aware that airplane food is far from haute cuisine, but we are all in the same boat, so to speak, and complaining about it excessively won’t help. It might be worth buying food that is easy to transport at the airport, which you can then enjoy during the flight, but please refrain from strong odours and flavours.

Small Talk
If you are travelling alone, it can be quite a lonely experience and it might seem natural to engage your neighbour in conversation. Sporadic small talk is fine, but don’t regale countless stories, especially if your neighbour does not reciprocate, as most people prefer to travel in silence with a good book or movie. A large percentage of travellers would probably say that a little small talk is fine, but that they prefer to keep to themselves for most of the flight.

“Funny” Business
We seem to forget that we are in public when flying, but it’s important to remember that, even when flying during the night, we’re not in our own homes and, as such, we should behave appropriately. A fumble under the covers might be a regular treat at home and it may seem a great idea with the free champagne fuelling the adrenaline of being at 35,000 feet, but on a plane, and later in the courts, it is considered public indecency. Just ask the couple from Dallas who were charged with outraging public decency and subsequently fined after getting amorous in their seats on a flight to Manchester in 1999.

Get Connected
With wifi becoming a real possibility on future flights, it introduces the awkward issue of controlling what people access, with one person’s idea of inappropriate being different from the next. 45% of respondents said that they would not complain if their neighbour visited inappropriate websites, but I’m sure this may change if the type of website contributed to increasing occurrences of the aforementioned amorous activities.

Child-friendly Zone?
One of the most contentious issues most of us face when flying concerns children. Nobody wants to endure a crying baby for the whole flight, least of all the parents, therefore a certain amount of leeway should be given, but parents should always enforce enough discipline to ensure that children don’t run wildly around the plane or kick the seat of the passengers in front of them. Children are easily distracted at the best of times, therefore make sure you bring ample sources of amusement such as colouring books or DVDs. 77% of those questioned in TripAdvisor’s 2009 travel trends survey thought that families should have their own section in a plane, while 46% would pay extra to be seated in a specific quiet section.

In-flight Fragrance
Personal hygiene is a big issue when in such a confined space, therefore always make sure that you are considerate to those around you. A good tip is to shower before travelling to the airport, visit the bathroom to freshen up during the flight and please keep your shoes and socks on! 68% of the survey respondents were concerned by germs and viruses when travelling, with 26% now carrying antibacterial hand creams.

Air Rage
One of the most troubling issues about being on a plane is that, not only are we in such a confined space, but we must remain in it until the end of the journey, where we have little control over the behaviour of others. In the year to March 2009, the Department of Transport reported that there were almost 3,500 incidents of disruptive behaviour on UK flights, 44 of which were deemed to be serious, with alcohol being cited as the main cause in 37% of these cases. Director Kevin Smith was recently left with a case of air rage after being asked to leave a plane for being too fat. He won’t be too happy to learn that 74% of US plane passengers think that large passengers should have to buy two seats to accommodate their size.

Alighting
Having landed safely, the allure of the beach or the sunset cocktails can be too much for some and the disembarking process can become a big tussle, with the aisles becoming blocked with a mass of people and luggage. There’s no need to jump up as soon as the plane lands as the mere minutes that could possibly be saved does not justify the inconvenience and lack of consideration for others.

It’s true that flying can often be a trying experience, but it can also be a great opportunity to relax, watch a movie, catch up on the week’s news and enjoy a drink, all in the safe knowledge that you are being transported to an idyllic beach setting or to visit a much loved friend or relative.

Everyone onboard needs to play their part to try to ensure a pleasant flying experience, and with a little bit of care, consideration and politeness we can make flying more enjoyable for us all, and maybe throw a splash of glamour in as well.

—

Emyr Thomas is the founder of Bon Vivant, a concierge and lifestyle management company in London.

Enjoying the camaraderie of one’s friends and family around a dinner table is often considered one of life’s greatest pleasures. Whether entertaining at home or hosting a dinner party at a restaurant, the question invariably arises: “Where shall we sit?”

At a private house, this is a question that the host or hostess should figure out ahead of time. After all, they’ve invited the guests and know best how they will interact. This would also be the case if there is a dinner party at a restaurant with a host and hostess. If a group is gathering at a restaurant without a host, and will be paying their own bills, the many of the same seating principles apply, but are sorted out just before everyone is about to be seated.

Here are several basic guidelines which will hopefully make the party a great success:

Seat people in alternating sexes around the table (man-woman-man-woman) when possible. The host and hostess or co-host are seated opposite one another with the exception of rectangular tables with multiples of four people. In this case, assuming an equal number of men and women, the hostess would move one seat to the right. If there is an unequal number of the each sex, seating two of the same sex together is unavoidable and no big deal. Do not seat husbands and wives together unless one of them is painfully shy. They see each other all the time and having conversations with other guests is part of having a fun party. Unmarried couples who have just started dating are normally seated next to each other. If there is a guest of honour, a male guest would be seated to the right of the hostess; a female would be seated to the right of the host. At a formal business or state dinner there is a whole order of precedence which comes into play which I will exclude from this discussion.

Be thoughtful about your seating arrangement. Don’t put people next to one another who dislike one another, have little or nothing in common, and are overly shy or overly talkative. Seat people next to those whom they would most enjoy. This will help to ensure a stimulating conversation.

If there is more than one table, be sure there is ‘host’ for each table. Husbands and wives may be seated at different tables, and at formal dinners often times are.

If you are hosting a business or social lunch or dinner at a restaurant the following guidelines will be helpful.

First of all, be sure to arrive fifteen minutes ahead of the scheduled time. Some people always arrive early. Go directly to the table, sit down and wait for your guest(s). Do not order a drink and do not touch your napkin. Your guest should arrive to a pristine table. As your guests arrive, stand to greet them. Give them the best seat, that being one facing into the room, not facing the kitchen’s swinging door or viewing the restrooms. Know ahead of time exactly where each guest will sit and as they arrive simply let them know. For tables of more than six, I recommend place cards, especially for a social function.

When sitting down, approach your chair from the right. The man on the left would pull out the chair for the lady on his right. Once seated, guests should take their cues from their host or hostess. For example, put your napkin in your lap only after your host has done so. Try to pace your eating so that you finish your meal when the host does. Once he’s finished, the meal is over.

In a business meeting, the host will decide when the business discussions will begin, which is usually after about ten minutes of small talk. Be sure to turn off your cell phone. Not doing so is annoying to other guests and shows bad manners and a desire to draw attention to one’s self. Be sure to quietly excuse yourself from the table and go to the rest room if you have a coughing or sneezing fit, need to apply make-up or have something lodged in your teeth. Place your napkin on your chair seat, exit the chair from the right and slide the chair under the table. I know a number of people questioned placing the napkin on the chair from a previous column. There are two reasons for this. One, other guests don’t want to look at your dirty napkin on the table. Two, putting your napkin on the table indicates to a properly trained waiter that you are finished eating. You may come back to no plate.

Implementing these guidelines at your next luncheon or dinner party, whether as host or guest, will help to make things run smoothly and will reflect well on you as a person with good manners – something that will only enhance your reputation.

–

Jay Remer is the Etiquette Guy, and is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol.

Flying was once a glamorous and stylish affair: passengers wore their best outfits, families would come to the airport to wave them goodbye, and pilots and air hostesses were revered for having the best jobs in the world. To be able to fly also meant that you had arrived; you were one of the chosen few who could afford the privilege.

Today, flying is considered a fundamental right to be enjoyed by the masses, and, somewhere along the turbulent line, what was demure and gracious has become raging and ragged.

The fundamental rule for air travel, much like life in general, is that politeness and consideration will go a long way in ensuring a smooth, relaxed journey.

At the Airport
From the long line at check-in to the long wait at security, the experience can be rather fraught, but getting annoyed and raising an angry voice will only make the situation worse. In most cases, airport staff are friendly and helpful: security staff are there for that very function, our security, and it’s not the check-in desk’s fault that an airplane has been delayed or cancelled, however upsetting or disruptive it is to our plans.

Going through security can be extremely tiresome, but the process could be far less traumatic if we prepare ourselves whilst in the queue – remove all keys, coins, watches, belts and laptops in advance, ready to place in to the tray, and please abide by the rules for liquids and sharp objects as they’re there for our safety.

Boarding
On arrival at the gate, please stay seated until your boarding group has been called, especially if you have an allocated seat. You won’t be allowed on the plane any quicker and you’ll merely be making the whole process more tedious and time consuming for all. If you’re fortunate enough to turn left into first class when embarking, please refrain from any smug glances at those in cattle class and the ‘do you know who I am?’ line is also best avoided!

Once onboard, the scrimmage begins to find enough space for carry-on luggage. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t have the right to the space above our allocated seat, therefore if it is full, the flight attendant will have to find a space elsewhere in the plane. This is, of course, a slight annoyance, but as long as you remove anything essential, you shouldn’t need to have access to your luggage during the flight.

A common issue before take-off is with other passengers asking to switch seats. If you are traveling alone and don’t mind moving, then it’s a very kind gesture, but do not feel that you must acquiesce through guilt or embarrassment, unless, of course, a child is involved, as you are entitled to the seat that you have pre selected or have been allocated. Window and aisle seats are highly coveted prizes on a flight, but please choose your seat wisely – if you are someone who tends to get up from your seat frequently, try not to select a window seat as, not only will it cause disruption for those seated next to you, but it’s also a pain for you.

Take a Seat
You should, by now, be comfortable in your seat and about to press the recline button. It’s advisable to keep your chair upright unless you really have to lower it, as space is already limited. However, it’s safe to assume that most people will want to recline, especially on long haul journeys, but remember to inform the person behind you that you’re about to recline – there are few things worse than an extortionately expensive gin and tonic ending up on your lap.

It should also be noted that there’s no law or magic formula for your armrest – your neighbour is just as entitled to it as you are, so my only advice is to be respectful and share it equally – keep your elbows tucked in and any bags or magazine on your side of the seat. In a recent TripAdvisor survey of 3,200 US travelers, 25% reported that leg room was their biggest issue with air travel, with 30% wanting more leg room and 38% wanting bigger seats.

If you need to get up from your seat, try to find the most appropriate and least disruptive time to do it, which is usually not when the cabin crew are serving food. When leaving your seat, try not to hold on to the headrest of the passenger in front of you, as they may be one of the lucky ones who manage to sleep for the whole journey.

–

Emyr Thomas is the founder of Bon Vivant, a concierge and lifestyle management company in London.

Emyr’s airplane etiquette series continues next week with eating on board, small talk and funny business…

Image: source

There are a number of basic phrases which are part of any good arsenal of etiquette words. I have discussed the virtues of please in a previous posting. Here I would like to share my thoughts on the phrase ‘you’re welcome’. This phrase usually follows ‘thank you’. But more times than not, we forget to complete this communication.

What exactly do we mean when we say you’re welcome? For one thing, we indicate that we have heard and accepted the thanks conveyed. For another, it shows that we are  happy that whatever effort we have made or whatever gift we may have given was appreciated. It actually gives us a feeling of satisfaction.

I have noticed however that some people have a tough time with this phrase though. That is probably because some of those same people have a tough time receiving thanks to begin with. Giving and receiving thanks are two very different acts and they are so very important to learn to do gracefully.

Take for example a graduation ceremony when the diplomas are handed to the graduates. The principal or dean will hand the diploma to the graduate and say, “Congratulations”. The new graduate will respond with “Thank you”. The Dean would then appropriately say, “You’re welcome”. That remark gives a sense of deserving, an acknowledgement of accomplishment, and an exclamation mark to accompany the congratulations. The transaction of the giving and receiving of the diploma is this completed.

In another instance, someone holds a door open for another person to leave or enter a car, a room or a building. ‘Thank you’ is quickly and logically followed by ‘you’re welcome’. Now that seemingly simple phrase means something akin to ‘it is my pleasure’, ‘no thanks necessary’, or ‘be my guest, please’.

In yet a third example, when an applicant for a job position is hired, a similar series of ‘congratulations’, ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ ensues. In this scenario, it implies ‘welcome to the company’, ‘this process is finally concluded’ and even ‘thank you’ in return. This use illustrates what a win-win result looks like in business.

In these three examples the phrase takes on slightly different meanings, and it does complete a transaction, a long term scholarly pursuit, or a difficult protracted interview process. In each example, without using a clear and sincere ‘you’re welcome’, something would be missing.

Using these two words regularly is a skill we need to begin developing at an early age. We often hear parents teaching children to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, but often times ‘you’re welcome’ is left out.  Learning to incorporate this expression of understanding into one’s communication style is important because it demonstrates that we ‘get it’.

The fact that this phrase takes on several different meanings depending on the situation leads me to the conclusion that its use is in some ways similar to the often insincere answer ‘I’m fine’, when asked “How are you?”. Knee jerk and automatic responses are quite commonplace today, yet when delivered with sincerity can take on a real significance.

It is routine for children to actually be taught that the various meanings of this phrase can be used almost interchangeably. This is certainly better than not teaching anything at all or reinforcing that no answer is acceptable. I would caution however that as we mature and conversations and situations become more complex, learning the distinctions between the various alternatives is important and each should be delivered with purpose. After all, this is one way that we can show respect for one another. It solidifies relationships and ties up any loose ends of an exchange.

Like all key phrases, you’re welcome will become routine when practiced with regularity. It makes one feel that the ‘thank you’ they have just delivered is appreciated. The exchange of these polite and genuine phrases also means that there is an acknowledgement and recognition of one human being to another. A healthy society thrives on these niceties. And this is one that does make a difference.

–

Jay Remer is the Etiquette Guy, and is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol.

Summer air, an open field, a Cadillac or vintage open top convertible, diner food, and - if the night goes well - a little canoodling in the car. Ah, the pleasures of a drive-in movie theatre. Perhaps, a throwback to the 50’s (or a scene out of Grease), the drive-in is merely a fantasy to those out of the Americas where the theatres are still very popular.

Now, thanks to creative maestro Damian Barr, urban dwellers can enjoy the fantasy of the drive-in experience in the heart of the city and all you have to do is turn up. No driving, no parking. Perfection.

Welcome the Starlite Urban Drive in, which launched in London at the Truman Brewery on Brick Lane on July 2nd for two nights with screenings of Dirty Dancing and Grease. Forget driving or being stripped of the pleasure of imbibing. Starlite features: cosy new cars to cuddle up in (loaned from Volvo), big screen, soundtrack in the car (just like at the drive-in we’ve been to or dreamt about), and retro waitresses on roller skates to order snacks from.

No speed limits or finding the perfect parking spot are just a couple of the perks. Here are a few more, along with social graces to remember that make the new urban drive-in such a treat:

- You can sip on cocktails because there’s no driving (enjoyable, but all in moderation - naturally)

- You don’t have to drive to the urban drive-in (adore and very modern)

- You don’t have to fight for a parking spot because cars are pre-parked (more enjoyable)

- Only two people per car for a lovely and cosy drive-in experience (as it should be). Sit in the front or cuddle in the back of the car (meow).

- And for goodness’ sake: paws off the horn and feet off the dashboard. Manners, people, manners!

Although tickets for the launch weekend sold out in just two minutes, this is only the beginning for Starlite. Join the Facebook group for latest news and locations, and take a peek at the handsome Starlite website for updates too.

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A few photographs from the opening of the Starlite Urban Drive-In:

Damian Barr, creator of the new Starlite Urban Drive-In

Entering the first Starlite Drive-In, in the heart of London's east end

Before the show at the Starlite preview

Let the show begin! At the Starlite preview

And for old time’s sake, a little intermission film from a vintage drive-in:

Where? Stoke Place @ Stoke Green, Stoke Poges, Buckinghamshire, SL2 4HT

When? Friday, July 2nd @ 8pm - 3am (coaches depart from central London at 6.45pm, and return at 3am)

How much? £35 for party + £15 for return coach trip ticket

–

The White Blackbird returns with a house party to nurture your inner child. Influenced by one of the sillier party themes of the inter-war Bright Young Things ‘come as you were twenty years ago’, which saw society figures arriving in full toddler attire atop specially built baby carriages pushed by their butlers. Childhood is a tongue in cheek opportunity to indulge in the pastimes of the very young with the benefit of a very grown up cocktail list!I

The White Blackbird’s baby carriages will be stationed at a Central London pick up spot to whisk guests away to the rural idyll of Stoke Place, where the house and grounds have been turned over exclusively to the party goer’s pleasure. Just dont throw your rattle out of the pram whilst trying to work out in which order to examine the assembled delights!

Indulge your inner Bo Peep at the delightful Petting Zoo before embarking on a treasure hunt to find the Secret Den Bar, a hide-out where nanny wont be able to find you!

Cry loudly if you fall over whilst returning to the main house at which Stoke Place staff will make it better with brightly coloured Balloons and if the terry towels have suddenly lost their appeal, Vintage Secret are at hand, providing their ever popular Dressing Up Room with grown up Face Painting. There will also be a Big Boys Room with a special World Cup Bar for those wishing to catch the England Game.

Toddle your way to the Wedgewood Room and pick up one of the custom-made Sweet and Sticky Cocktails and for those that haven’t made it to grown-up glasses yet, cocktails served in a Baby Bottle. Get on your tippy-toes to reach the Candy Filled Trees and gorge yourself on old-fashioned sweets including Candy Canes, Lollipops and Chocolate Money.

Sugar rush to the Vyse Room, crawling into a Cardboard Maze where each of the three exits offers a different ending or take part in the Party Game Olympics, including Apple Bobbing, Pass the Orange, Flash Flap, Musical Chairs and the Bubblegum Race, followed by Dj Sets and Dancing Lessons by the Lady Greys.

An occasion when being sent to your bedroom is actually fun, guests can find a series of entertainments installed in several of Stoke Place’s bedrooms including Amelia as Little Red Riding Hood and Sinister Magician Sets by Josh Knowles. Those feeling a bit sleepy should visit the Princess and the Pea Bedroom in which Lily Farling will be reading Bedtime Stories perched from a magical ladder.  Feeling naughty?  A visit to La Horrox, a Strict School Teacher, should soon put paid to that!

Miss Ballooniverse is at hand to ensure your balloon dreams are realised with extravagant concoctions that you wont let go of and if all the activities have worked up a hunger, then make sure you are seated for the Midnight Feast, serving a selection of Traditional Nursery Food. Those wishing to avoid a kicking and screaming tantrum finale will have booked the very limited number of room packages available, including dinner, bed and breakfast. They will be able to enjoy the benefit of a bar that never closes as the party continues into the night.

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Tickets to the party are £35.00 each and can be purchased from Stoke Place on 01753 534 790.

Coach tickets should also be purchased in advance via Stoke Place.

Discounts are available for groups of 5 or more. Please email thewhiteblackbird@gmail.com for more information.

Coaches will depart at 6.45pm from 24 Hanover Square London W1S 1JD

** Win a pair of tickets to this smashing countryhouse party by emailing us at info@mienmagazine.com about the most important etiquette lesson you learned in your childhood. (winner will be notified via email by 5pm on Thursday, July 1)

* first posted on November 13, 2009

This is MIEN Magazine’s humble little moving picture homage to the glorious and almighty cuppa. How do you take yours?