(This is what we’re up to so we’ll be offline for the most part. Back on March 15th with regular content.)

Using the site of an historic Clerkenwell shop, this pop up space will be transformed into an eclectic parlour where friends and family can gather to engage, think, express, play games, and – most importantly – relax and enjoy a unique old-world experience.

This wistful pop up will take place from March 5th to 10th and will be hosted by Mistress of Manners, Dana Gornitzki, Editor of MIEN magazine – a newly launched website dedicated to etiquette, culture and style.

The idea behind the Parlour is to return to the roots of what a parlour was used for: a lovely living space where one could receive visitors in the most polite way possible. The Parlour pop up will be a place to write letters, engage in good conversation, play games like cards, drink punch and enjoy music.

During the day, the Parlour will be the perfect place to come read a book, write letters (or in your journal!), peruse art and other anecdotes left by visitors, or have a relaxed chat away from the busy streets of the city.

On select afternoons and evenings, the Parlour will feature unique nostalgic workshops and play time: an assortment of delightful happenings including parlour games, poetry recitals, listening to old records, and a few other handsome surprises.

Most importantly, the Parlour will be free of mobile telephones, computers and modern-day gadgets (and this will be strictly enforced!), making time for quality, face to face conversations.

We launch on March 5th in London and will be posting pieces leading up to the event as well as during…and want to hear from you too.

Watch this space for more details.

This project is curated and hosted by MIEN Magazine with the support of Camden Council.

The Parlour logo was designed By Twinkle Troughton and Tinsel Edwards

A reader stopped me in a local coffee shop and asked me to consider writing a sort of  ’back to basics’ column on simple table settings. I began thinking about this request and thought this could be a real challenge. I decided to go to the origins and the reasons why it is so important to set a table one way instead of another. Essentially, when we look at a beautiful table and think how lovely it is, we smile. At such a moment, our eyes are generally not drawn to a particular element unless - of course - it is a beautiful centrepiece.

Deciding that forks are almost always placed to the left, the spoons and knives to the right, has been a western custom for almost 500 years. Most people are right-handed and table settings are designed accordingly. At a very early age many left-handed people learn to eat using right-handed techniques and simply adapt to the place setting. Just as we as a society agree to drive on the right hand side of the road, we agree also to abide by a series of road signs, unwritten rules of how to treat one another, and written rules on how to play certain sports and card games. These rules maybe at first glance seem obviously more important than setting a dinner table. It is arguably agreed that safety rules certainly trump the ordinary act of table setting as a matter of importance.

However, I maintain that self-esteem is every bit as important to our day-to-day lives. And most of the simple routine things we do help us build our self-esteem, how we value ourselves as individuals. Becoming proficient at these skills is an important key to success in the business world and at home. We do eat three times a day, or strive to. Setting a table should be a quick and natural task, which looks familiar not only to your family but also to anyone else who might be a guest for a meal.

Forks are set on the left side of the setting. This is because we use our left hand to eat with a fork. Voila! There it is just waiting to be picked up. Knives and spoons are placed on the right hand side of the setting for exactly the same reason. As a rule, in a formal setting set a knife for each fork. This is because when correctly eating, you need a knife as a helper for your fork. Hence, a salad fork needs a corresponding knife, as does a luncheon fork, dinner fork or fish fork. Remember that the blade of the knife always points to the left.

Dessert utensils present us with a slight variation. The dessert fork is accompanied by a dessert spoon. Dessert is properly eaten from the spoon, using the fork as a pusher of sorts. These can be placed with the rest of the cutlery or arranged at the top of the setting, where many people find it more decorative. Space plays a part here as well. One rule to remember is that additional flatware placed on the table solely as decoration is incorrect. Think of this is simply being practical. If you don’t need a spoon for soup, don’t set one.

At some public eating places, there is an informal flatware/napkin service known as the ‘roll-up’. This is efficient, hygienic and in style all over the world. This also serves to successfully confuse people who see no reason not to duplicate this setting at home, placing the fork, knife and spoon all on the left on the napkin. My feeling is that if we want to eat informally at home, that is exactly what we should do. But please keep in mind that it is important to know the difference between formal, informal and roll up settings.

Sitting at the dinner table - even if only occasionally -  provides an important venue for families to have pleasant social interaction. This is important for many reasons, not the least of which is to familiarise our children with solid skills. Remember that the dinner table is not the arena for unpleasant confrontations. A meal together is a time to learn about what each family member is doing, if there are any problems that might be resolved and what plans and projects each person has. It is a time to share something pleasant to eat in a relaxed atmosphere. Negative interactions while eating are simply bad for one’s digestion.

Whether a fancy holiday meal, a simple meal with friends or a regular family supper, someone has to set the table. Often this task is assigned to a child. This is a wonderful opportunity for our children to learn these simple skills correctly and help build their self-esteem as well. Setting a table correctly and consistently is an important life skill. Teach it correctly and your kids will thank you one day.

Bon Appétit!

Jay Remer is the Etiquette Guy, and is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol.

Hello, dear reader, will you please turn your ringer off? And please stop sending text messages while we’re at it - we’re trying to have a conversation.That’s better, thank you.

The film below covers a few basic tips on how to be more polite when using your mobile telephone. It’s not rocket science, it’s simple and courteous conduct.

We know and love the mobile phone, and relish the flexibility and convenience it offers. We just want to rid the world of deplorable mobile phone etiquette: people shouting into their phones, answering in our company, or using it in potentially dangerous situations (ie; driving or cycling). Yes, be gone now and forever.

And we know we’re not alone on this one. These gentlewomen and gentlemen have set up their very own site on the interweb discussing handy tips and faux pas.

Of course, we’re not amused by rude mobile phone behaviour…but going to prison? Well, this seems a pinch extreme, but it’s a tactic currently being considered in India, where a reported 277 million phone users natter away - many too piercing, it seems.

Ah yes, we dream of an end to crass and vulgar use of the mobile telephone..but softly, softly.

If you’re polite (and we hope you are), then we’re sure you know someone you can share this with - you know, that chum or colleague who is a touch too loud or addicted to their mobile phone.

And yes, yes, that’s fine, you can turn your phone back on now. Vibrate mode, please.

—

Are rude mobile phone users a pet peeve of yours? Or is it you, dear reader, who is a pinch boorish with your mobile phone? (Shame on you, by the way). Please share your thoughts by commenting below or why don’t you start a conversation in the Salon? Go on…

(*originally posted on April 15, 2009)

At one’s workplace, precious few bad habits can compete with the piercing, penetrating presence of a high-volume co-worker - even if it is unintentional.

The sorry ramifications of this unfortunate trait are especially relevant in an open-plan area. Enter the Office Loud Talker.

No one needs or wants to know about the romantic troubles of their colleagues or, even more perturbing, their latest crop of ailments – at least, not in skintight detail.

These matters ought to be kept private. Office Loud Talker, however, lacks this commonsense filter. Well, they wouldn’t be squealing so loudly otherwise, would they?

Irksome? Yes. Delicate? Quite often.

Here are some suggestions, a few gentle tips that will, hopefully, hush the Office Loud Talker:

- Try and say something light-hearted. A laugh always makes things easier. Perhaps he or she is unaware that they are loud. Give them the benefit of doubt. Try something along the lines of: ‘Do you really want me to know that you had an affair with your neighbour?’ (continued below).

No need to shout, we can hear you Office Loud Talker.

- If joking doesn’t work, don’t be shy and – armed with your most charming smile  - have a quiet but direct word; ask if they can speak more softly

- Failing both these approaches, speak to a colleague or boss who
can decode and explain the situation to the one in question.

Now, what if it is YOU that is the Office Loud Talker?

- Please heed the tips above, your office chums will be most appreciative.

- It’s quite simple and painless: Keep your private matters private.

- If you must deal with personal affairs, there’s no need to shout.

- Take your intimate conversations to the corridor or a room with a closed door  - simply because it’s the correct thing to do.

Maybe you could try turning off your personal telephone, and save your voice for hollering at the favourite in the fourth at Ascot or, indeed, during your primal scream therapy.

Ah, that’s better, we can work in peace now.

(*originally posted on April 16, 2009)

As a little girl weaned on a diet of Cary Grant, Charlton Heston and a father who wrote poetry to win the heart of her mother, it wasn’t unreasonable to assume this is how the world worked. Men wooed in the manner of amorous birds, seeking to impress a member of the opposite sex with displays of attentiveness,thoughtfulness and good behaviour. After many years on the singles circuit it became apparent that this clearly wasn’t the case anymore; cue many nights spent waiting for the phone to ring, mixed messages and boozy chat-up lines in bars.

While I’m willing to agree with Contributing GQ Editor Kevin Braddock that the old rules no longer apply – hence the blurred boundaries of social behaviour – the emergence of ‘flirt schools for women’ seem to undermine the rules of courtship altogether. Following an article in The Guardian that charts a female journalist being taught how to flirt (essentially it boils down to eyeing up men in a bar), it sums up everything that’s wrong with the current state of affairs: when did men stop trying to woo women?

A close male friend of men says that because women have become more empowered, both parties have to bring something to the table, not just the man. Clearly then the rules of courtship need to be redefined, just as the 2008 publication of Debrett’s Guide For The Modern Gentleman attempted to address and define the new status of the 21st century gentleman.

So what’s the solution then? Men, says Kevin, are hesitant to use the old rules for fear of being batted off by the woman, who might think they’re being creepy. Women, I feel, want to retain their sense of empowerment but still need to feel as if they are actively wanted by the gentleman. As I see my friends go through the turmoil of trying to figure out whether a guy likes them, deciphering every last word of text right down to the punctuation, the word that springs to mind is ‘confused.’

Rather than Debrett’s, woman are bombarded with self-help rule books such as He’s Just Not That Into You and The Rules, which seem to peddle mind games rather than codes of behaviour. Flirt school, as I see it, seems to say: I’m doing something wrong, and that’s why men aren’t approaching me.

What we need is a compromise: Gentlewomen, when he’s being vague about contacting you, he might be looking for signs of encouragement so that he doesn’t lose face. Gentlemen, remember that Peter Pan dies alone, so take a leaf from the old school and treat the woman like a lady.

Photo: source

I remember when everyone exchanged Valentine’s Day cards with one another in grade school. I hope that tradition still exists. It was good because we took some time to recognise the good in each person with whom we spent so many waking hours of our young lives. It taught us the basics of respect for everyone, and everyone was included. As we matured and youth gave way to adolescence we became selective to whom we gave cards. Family members received cards too. We watched as mothers and fathers exchanged cards, flowers and boxes of chocolates. Often, we would be included in this tradition so we appreciated its importance.

How we give a gift is often times more important than the gift itself. When a gift is given anonymously, we like to try to have a small hint as to who gave it. When we give our husbands and wives gifts, we make an effort to select something they would really like. I often think of buying things which I know the other person would never buy for themselves and would consider it a real treat.

The rose has become the traditional Valentine’s Day flower. The commercialisation of this holiday magically increases the price of roses to an astronomical sum. Consider an alternative — perhaps a single, beautifully packaged rose on Valentine’s Day and one each day for several days after is another option. Certainly a rose or roses are a lovely gift at anytime. To keep flowers fresh on the day after purchasing them be certain to store them in a hidden cool place. With good care, roses ought to last a week.

There are,  of course, a variety of gifts and kindnesses that will cost little or nothing and are full of meaning and of course love. One of the things which we never seem to have enough of these days is time with our loved ones. This holiday ought to be a punctuation mark on our busy calendars where we set aside time and give ourselves permission to spend meaningful time with those whom we love. Sometimes it’s a new girlfriend; sometimes a family member who is housebound; or more often than not it is the person who means the most to us - our spouse. That special person who means the world to us is sometimes taken for granted.

Valentine’s Day is a wonderful day to take the time to tell them you love them and how much they really mean to you. Think about arranging for a babysitter so that you might enjoy an evening out. Suggest going out for a quiet walk, a movie, or a concert. Share some special time. It is more difficult for men to express their emotions verbally. Though relying on the heartfelt words of any of the romantic poets will help in telling a loved one of your feelings. Sitting down and writing a beautiful card has tremendous impact on your loved one. This expression of one’s feelings shows sensitivity for romance and is healthy and joyously received.

For ladies, giving flowers or candy to a boyfriend or husband has become common place and accepted graciously by the man receiving them. Men and women thrive on attention and love a chance to spend some quiet time alone with their partner. This is a wonderful time to rekindle the feelings you have for one another.

Whoever it is that you love, this is a very appropriate time to express that feeling. It is also a time to consider how good it feels to love and be loved. Let us practice our Valentine’s Day traditions throughout the year. How good we’d feel about ourselves and others. This form of respect is contagious. Our children and parents notice it and it makes them happy. Having gratitude and showing it in demonstrable ways is the very essence of the etiquette of this holiday. Giving gifts of flowers, candy and our time are the ways to deepen and express our feelings for one another.

The important thing is to do something. Doing something shows that you love and respect those around you and yourself as well. Be fully engaged in your life. Take a moment this Valentine’s Day to actually smell those roses. Do it for you and do it for those who care about you the most!

Title photo: source

Thumbnail photo: D Sharon Pruitt

A house party in the country? Roasting marshmallows and sharing stories by a bonfire? Dance classes and a murder mystery treasure hunt? Oh yes, please!

A hundred years ago, an invitation to a country house party was the golden ticket to one of “the” social events of the season.

Members of elite society, politicians, and even some royalty fled the city in exchange for a weekend of sports, glamour and good old-fashioned tomfoolery.

But this is a Friday night, and it’s January 2010. You don’t need a special invitation to the White Blackbird, a country house party in Buckinghamshire. Just a ticket, suitable attire, and a nostalgic soul that’s willing to suspend disbelief.

On this particular evening, about 250 or so revellers gather in central London after work ready to board one of two coaches. The mood is jovial, with everyone anticipating an adventure in the countryside. I even spot one or two people sipping from a flask as they get on the bus – how fitting.

We are then whisked away, and after about an hour’s journey we arrive at the 17th century Stoke Place.

Polly Betton and Johnny Vercourture of Teatime Productions are our hosts and organisers of the evening. The crowd is smartly dressed – most clad in tweed (the theme for this country house party. Previous themes include “futurist aerobanquet” and “colourscape”), others in vintage and few in “modern” wear.

But what you wear doesn’t seem to matter – what does matter is that we’re all escaping the city noise in exchange for a good dose of nostalgic fun in a countryside idyll.

“Most people don’t have big houses, and have lost the notion of going away,” says Polly Betton.  “These parties are an opportunity for people to socialise on a scale and format that is not done anymore.”

And that we do. The party pays homage to true English culture, and is obviously heavily influenced by country house parties of days gone by.

Country house party revellers gather outside Stoke Place (photo by Juan C Vargas)

At Tweed (photo by Katie Antoniou / Vintage Secret)

The fashion of hosting a country house party really took off in the Edwardian era from 1861 to 1914. In fact, this was considered the party’s ‘golden era’ even though the social event can be traced back to the time of Chaucer and the Tudors.

At Tweed (photo by Juan C Vargas)

The traditional country house party of yester-year is where society and royalty frolicked playing sports, indoor games, eating, dancing and getting up to all sorts of shenanigans. These social affairs were the highlight of the hunting and shooting season, also supposedly ‘famous’ for naughty activities (something that’s hinted at Tweed as well, but I can’t spot anything at all. Saucy and fun? Yes. Naughty? Not at all). “Marriage marts” were also a common feature in some country house parties (think matchmaking session, when mothers would try to find suitable husbands for their daughters),

These were the parties where society could mingle and kick back far away from the city – usually for three or four days at a time.

But at Tweed, it doesn’t matter if you have a double-barreled name. In fact, quite the contrary. This revival of the country house party is very welcoming. After all, Stoke Place is a country house that belongs to all of us for that evening. It’s beautiful with lovely winding corridors where we’re free to wander, and the party’s various events and entertainers are sprinkled throughout the property making the night that much more playful.

(photo by Pandora Harrison)

Guests at the party have each dished out £50 including the coach ride – well worth it, considering all of the entertainment. The evening is a unique outing.

“It’s a completely different environment and people don’t behave like they normally would,” says Polly Betton.

If amusement and delight were the main ingredients in the ‘golden era’ of the country house party, then this more modern version fulfills with nostalgic glee in all of the house’s nooks and crannies: from a burlesque show to a “most unusual” horse race to telling stories by the bonfire in the gardens and reeling classes in the ballroom. Oh and let’s not leave out the sin confessional tucked away upstairs, a whisky tasting, piano sing-a-long in the bar, and a dressing room to borrow garb in case you’ve left your tweed behind.

The time flies by, and it’s already 3am — the coaches are ready to take us back to London. Well, everyone except for guests who’ve booked one of the few rooms at Stoke Place.

With fantastic company, this country house party (my first) has been brilliantly sociable, an escape, fun, and – it must be said – most civilised. Just like being transported back in time. I am already looking forward to the next one.

After the most unusual horse race at Tweed (photo by Juan C Vargas)

Getting down (photo by Catherine Wilson)

Oh, these country house parties are such fun (photo by Emma Wesley)

The next White Blackbird country house party takes place on April 23 2010 to celebrate St George’s Day.

Header photo: source

Thank you to photos from: Juan C Vargas, Katie Antoniou of Vintage Secret, Catherine Wilson, Pandora Harrison, and Emma Wesley

A passage from Etiquette of Good Society by Lady Gertrude Elizabeth Campell written in 1893.

As someone who believes that they were born in the wrong era, it’s hard to believe that these words date back almost 120 years. Am I the only one to think that people back then were so much more civilised?

In some strange way, it’s almost a relief to read Lady Campbell’s thoughts as they still very much apply today.

It’s not that manners or etiquette have changed, it’s more that we constantly evolve (and, yes, many people may pay less attention!). It’s obviously something enough people want to read, speak and rant about: tap ‘etiquette’ into the little Google search machine, and - pop - over 32 million results show up.

The idea behind MIEN Magazine is not to rant and rave about the decline of etiquette (although there is some of that too, naturally!). MIEN Magazine’s goal is to explore and embrace old traditions - see if we can’t bring them back and take away the stigma that’s often associated even with just saying the word etiquette.

Why?

Because writing and receiving a letter is lovely.

Because holding a door is the kind thing to do (for a man or woman).

Because debating if chivalry is dead is insightful and fun.

Because speaking on one’s mobile or sending a text in another person’s company is - er - rude.

Because a dinner party is cosy and a treat.

And because the list goes on…

What’s reassuring is that there are so many nostalgics and romantics out there; gentlemen and gentlewoman who long for a more civilised way of living.

So, let’s welcome evolving traditions, let’s rant about rudeness, share opinions about transgressions, and embrace a penchant for the nostalgic.

Please and thank you.

According to one Scottish account, youth are giving the handshake a kiss-off. Instead of engaging in the age-old ritual dating back to the 2nd century, they’re opting for greetings like the fist bump.

In the Scotsman piece, Jo Bryant from Debrett’s says: “Younger people are growing up in a less formal society where the normal forms of communication is more technological and includes mobile phones and texting. But for years and years a firm handshake with eye-to-eye contact has been a gesture of trust conveying a lot in its body language.”

But it’s not just young people. Only a few short months ago, the Memphis Mayor greeted the Dalai Lama with a fist bump. The DALAI LAMA!

If you haven’t seen it, it’s quite a sight. Especially when the Mayor confesses that he’s always wanted to say “Hello Dalai!” (woah):

Apart from fear of H1N1, there’s very little good reason for not shaking hands with someone (unless there’s another appropriate cultural greeting).

After all, your handshake says a lot about you. It can make or break the first impression, be it in a professional or social situation.

The most important things to remember about a good handshake are:

-  making eye contact

- having a firm grip (but not too firm)

- shaking hands up and down no more than three times

- and, of course, making sure your hands are clean (naturally!).

In case you haven’t seen it, here’s a little video we made about the importance of a good handshake.

Enjoy!

Walking into old houses sometimes reminds me of visiting favourite relatives in my younger days. And what is more welcoming than walking into a friend’s house greeted by the wonderful smell of freshly baked bread or chicken soup simmering on the kitchen stove? Or how about walking through the perfume section of a department store or past the open door of a candy shop, flower shop or fast food store? All of these places have distinctive smells associated with them that conjure up either pleasant or very unpleasant memories.

From childhood I recall the distinct stench of the fish market, the peanut factory or the strong perfume of a school teacher. Today, these aversions to specific odours have become classified as actual allergies. Who knew that our strong dislikes might be in fact triggers for allergic reactions?

Many of us are so busy in our daily lives that we blithely go through the day unaware of the additional space around us is occupied by scents. We spritz or slather over our faces and bodies these potions with the idea of being more attractive to those around us or at least ourselves. After all, we choose perfumes because we like them, not because others do. Thankfully, more and more people are becoming aware of just how offensive Shalimar or Patchouli oil are to more and more of us.

Excuse me, what is that scent? It stinks!

It is only courteous to be mindful of others where we work. Even though Chanel No. 5 may be the bees knees to one person, it isn’t to everyone. And in fact, some people are legitimately allergic and can break out in a rash, develop a swollen throat, or become physically ill. Most HR departments have policies for their companies of a ‘no scent’ office space. This is the first cousin of a no smoking policy in most public and many private areas. After all, now that so many people have given up the unhealthy smoking habit, we notice the smell of cigarette smoke far more acutely when we get a whiff of a lit cigarette. I recall learning about the power the smell of cigarette smoke during the Vietnam War where it was discovered that soldiers who were smoking could be detected literally a mile away.

Most of us would not leave the house to go to work or to visit friends without bathing and putting on clean clothes. Right? We do that habitually for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is not to offend those around us. What makes people think that strong scents, sometimes purchased at great expense, do not offend people equally as much?

Seriously, that's too much perfume!

Some people carry pleasantly scented hankies with them at all times just in case they encounter an upsetting odour. No one likes overtly strong smells in general. Apart from stopping to smell the roses, even some flowers can have smells, which are too overpowering for many of us. After all, the perfumery of a flower has a purpose, namely to attract pollinators.

The best scent today is not scent at all. To avoid the need to use chemically laden air fresheners, perfumed/scented cleaners or laundry products, simply clean your house with fragrant free products. Keeping Rover and his bedding clean also contribute to an odour-free environment. Research has shown that the perfumes put into the products we use are in fact harmful and in certain instances carcinogenic. Personal hygiene products such as deodorants now come in the perfume-free variety. Unscented by the way is not a guarantee that the product is without a scent of some sort.

**

If you feel obliged to apply cologne or a spritz of perfume before going out on the town for the evening, do so with restraint. Drawing attention to oneself by ‘bathing’ in a powerfully scented lotion or potion is - more often than not - offensive to many of those around you.

What does one do if caught in the uncomfortable position of being around someone who is too heavily scented? From a practical point of view, move away. Do so as quietly as possible and if pursued, honesty must prevail — and with as much grace as possible. Simply explain you must have an allergy (which is in fact likely the truth). If this is in a work place, you can ask the person to refrain from wearing the scent. Hopefully a straight forward discussion will end the problem.

If a family member or close friend is guilty of this unfortunate habit, draw them aside privately and make them aware of the problem. Many people do not realize how strong the scent is as they are quite used to it. It is not the intention really to deliberately offend anyone.

Following a cardinal etiquette guideline of being respectful of and not offending the people with whom we come in contact easily correlates with being mindful of the perfumes and scents we choose to wear. When in doubt, go without.

Jay Remer is the Etiquette Guy, and is certified by the Protocol School of Washington as a consultant for corporate etiquette and international protocol.